Just cut and paste the authors name to find the rest of that persons quotes


"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -
everyone hasn't met me yet."
--Rodney Dangerfield.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeners.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to
be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know
who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
-- Paul Merton.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another
woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
-- Steve Martin.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
-- Les Dawson.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
-- Steven Wright.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. NEXT you forget to pull your zipper
up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
-- Marty Feldman.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
-- Robin Williams.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin