Just cut and paste the authors name to find the rest of that persons quotes


"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what
happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
--Steven Wright.

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls
taper off."
--Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice
says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
--Charlie Brown.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people
make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our
grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
--Jim Carrey.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
--Emo Philips.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
--Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs
spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image
there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't
your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the
--Jerry Seinfeld.